Cycling Humor

A pedestrian stepped off the curb and into the road without looking one day and promptly gets knocked flat by a passing cyclist.

"You were really lucky there," said the cyclist.

"What on earth are you talking about! That really hurt!" said the pedestrian, still on the pavement, rubbing his head.

"Well, usually I drive a bus!" the cyclist replied.

Jack and Jill have just climbed Le Alp de Huez, one of the steepest peaks in the Alps on their tandem.

"Phew, that was a tough climb" said Jack, leaning over, breathing hard. "That climb was so hard, and we were going so slow, I thought we were never going to make it."

"Yeah, good thing I kept the brakes on," said Jill, "or we'd have slid all the way back down!"

A tandem rider is stopped by a police car.

"What've I done, officer?" asks the rider.

"Perhaps you didn't notice sir, but your wife fell off your bike half a mile back . . ."

"Oh, thank God for that," says the rider - "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

A tandem team rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a cold drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which they were. When they finished their drinks, they found their steed had been stolen.

They go back into the bar, the captain handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE OUR STEED?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"ALL RIGHT WE'RE GONNA HAVE ANOTHA COLD DRINK, AND IF OUR STEED AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME WE FINISH, WE'RE GONNA DO WHAT WE DUN IN TEXAS! AND WE DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT WE DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

They had another cold drink, walked outside, and the tandem is back! They mount up and start to ride out of town.

The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what did happen in Texas?"

The captain turned back and said, "We had to walk home."

A Zen Teacher saw five of his students return from the market, riding their bicycles. When they had dismounted, the teacher asked the students, "Why are you riding your bicycles?"

The first student replied, "The bicycle is carrying this sack of potatoes. I am glad that I do not have to carry them on my back!" The teacher praised the student, saying, "You are a smart boy. When you grow old, you will not walk hunched over, as I do."

The second student replied, "I love to watch the trees and fields pass by as I roll down the path." The teacher commended the student, "Your eyes are open and you see the world."

The third student replied, "When I ride my bicycle, I am content to chant, nam myoho renge kyo." The teacher gave praise to the third student, "Your mind will roll with the ease of a newly trued wheel."

The fourth student answered, "Riding my bicycle, I live in harmony with all beings." The teacher was pleased and said, "You are riding on the golden path of non-harming."

The fifth student replied, "I ride my bicycle to ride my bicycle." The teacher went and sat at the feet of the fifth student, and said, "I am your disciple."

Q: Why couldn't the bicycle stand up on its own?

A: It was two tired.

You Know You're Addicted To Cycling When...

10. Your surgeon tells you you need a heart valve replacement and you ask if you have a choice between presta and schrader.

9. A measurement of 44-36-40 doesn't refer to the latest Playboy centerfold, but that new gear ratio you were considering for your Cobra.

8. A Power Bar starts tasting better than a Snickers.

7. The bra your significant other finds in your glove compartment belongs to your Trek and not the cute waitress at Denny's.

6. You wear your heart monitor to bed to make sure you stay within your target zone during any extracurricular activities.

5. The funeral director tells you "NO!" you can't ride your Cannondale in the funeral procession, even if you keep your headlight on.

4. You experience an unreasonable envy over someone who has bar end extenders longer than yours.

3. You're too tired for hanky-panky on a Friday night but pump out a five-hour century on Saturday.

2. Your wife tells you the only way she'll let you ride across the country is over her dead body and you tell her, "If that's the case, you'll be my first speed bump!"

AND the number-one reason you know you're addicted to bicycling...

1. You no longer require a hankie to blow your nose.

A Nerd, A Nude and a Bike

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?" The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"

The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

It was the first time I've seen him walking in ten years. "Where's your bicycle, Reverend" I asked. "Don't know, I think it may have been stolen but I will get it back on Sunday" he replied. "In my sermon I will go through the ten commandments,. When I get to ‘thou shalt not steal, I've got faith God will sort it out." Sure enough the following week, he was riding his bike again. So, I asked him if the ten commandments had worked as planned. "In a way, " he said, "I got as far as thou shall not commit adultery, then I remembered where I left it."

An anthropologist realizes that the one thing he never taught the
natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in
the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief
looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The anthropologist is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the anthropologist points to a rock and
says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts,
"Rock."
The anthropologist is really getting enthusiastic about the results when
he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of
heavy sexual activity.

The anthropologist is really flustered and quickly says "They are riding
a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills
them.
The anthropologist goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has
spent months teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each
other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."

This one is a bit crude but here it goes:

A Kid was walking to the bathroom, when he saw through the slightly open door, his mother was in there. She was buck naked and looking into the mirror while rubbing her breasts and moaning "I want a man. I NEED a man!".
The next day, the same thing happens: the kid is about to enter the bathroom and sees his mother rubbing her naked body in front of the mirror "I want a man. I NEED a man"

But the next day, when the kid is on the way to the bathroom, his passes his mother's bedroom, where some guy is humping her while she screams "I got a man, OH GOD, I got a man!!".

The kid immediately runs to the bathroom, stripping off his clothes on the way, then stands in front of the mirror rubbing his body saying "I want a bicycle. I NEED a bicycle!"....

If you have any cycling jokes please send them to: bill@ridingforadventure.com. The first submitter of a new joke in June will receive a free sticker. Be sure to include your address.

09/10/08